So, this is it. Alone and starting over again.
There is a teenage flitting of excitement in the pit of the stomach and youthful expectation at the back of the mind that accompanies new challenges and change at any age. It feels good!
Getting reacquainted with yourself is grueling, intoxicating, surprising and necessary.
So easy to lose yourself in false pretenses, habitual settling, compare and contrast patterns, and the like, during years of sameness.
But, alone and uninterrupted, with only the sound of your thoughts in your head and your footsteps echoing through a half empty building, you must make your acquaintance once more. Hello! How do you do? My name is …
Funny, how when you are by yourself, the small stuff automatically changes. Like throwing your coat on the bed instead of in the closet, or flinging open the doors and windows upon waking, eating when you are hungry instead of at the prescribed hour.
Naughty freedom that luxuriates in the “getting away with it” aspect of doing as you please fills the bloodstream and pumps oxygen filled exhilaration throughout your system. Disobedience at its best.
I divvy up my days as I see fit now, tackling the difficult and unpopular first thing in the morning after a strong cup or two of coffee. I then proceed to sweat my way to eternity on the rowing machine. After that I take a shower and then dig into the day as superficially or as deeply as required.
All this independent decision making is good for my brain and my soul. I once again have found my voice; that strong, argumentative, knowledgeable voice, that to my astonishment still exists. And the torpor within is slowly but surely lifting and floating away.
Self reliance breeds self confidence. You stop absentmindedly passing the baton to someone else, simply because it is easier and faster that way. You investigate, you figure out and you learn.
It is all your own doing and can be undone too, if you want. I am proof of that.
Mistakes lie ahead, I know. Some fear and anxiety too. But nothing can beat the empowerment, joy and satisfaction that will predominate.
I have consciously decided to once again say YES! to life and I am diving in!!